Vacation was wonderful. I am completely smitten with the wild ponies of Assateague Island. I wish I could visit them in their brown and white loveliness every single day. The kids swam in the ocean. We stood on a fishing pier and felt the waves moving us about while the half moon shined her light.
I had some unexpected visitors inside my own self, though. Something about being in an unfamiliar environment gave all my old fears and worries permission to pop in and steal my peace. It was just uncomfortable being me for a few days. Worry about the kids, feelings of inadequacy because my house is very dirty compared to the house we were staying at (which was gorgeous and perfect!) I finally got back to myself through being at home and dancing and walking, but it took a little bit of work. Then today I made a big decision, I got on the scale at work. And it did not give me information that pleased me. Five more pounds gained. I have now gained thirty-five pounds back since my lowest weight. Closer to forty. It is painful to write that. But it is the truth. So what to do about it? I can’t go back to where I was. Complete food obsession and restriction and lots of exercise driven from a not so healthy place. That actually stopped working, I kept gaining weight when I was at my strictest. And I was exhausted from pushing so hard all of the time. It was over three years of that. I needed to change something. So I have let the numbers and the rules go a bit. But here I am and I don’t want to keep gaining weight now until I regain everything I lost. It feels like a very slippery slope. I want all of my size medium clothes to fit comfortably again! I absolutely want my body to reflect health and wellness and beauty. I absolutely want to love my body and feel great in it in all situations. I truly haven’t stopped working at it. I put attention and time into a healthy body every single day. Maybe it is not through cross-fit or running marathons. But it is through my version of what feels right to me. Lots of walking and yoga and dancing and meditation and eating good foods. The scale makes me feel like crying, instead of feeling beautiful and powerful. Every single time I give in to that voice that tells me I have to be realistic and know the truth about the number I become I total failure in my own eyes.  Dancing and walking and stretching and moving and wearing cute clothes, now that makes me feel beautiful and powerful. I don’t exactly know what to do at this point in my journey with my body. So I am going to try to trust what I have been doing a little longer… I am going to do all of the things I know feel right and I am going to stay away from the pathways in my head that make me feel so unworthy and ugly because of what I weigh and how I think I look to others. I will be continuing to meditate and pray for the next way of being in my body to show up that brings the number on the scale and the feeling beautiful and powerful into alignment. I just have to trust that following the truth inside myself now will take me there.