To be yourself

I was thinking about violence. And I really felt as if I had committed it. But I was told that I had not. Not by the one I felt I violated, that’s my son and he would never say anything unless pressed into it. But by my true love. I said I violate by insisting on doing what I’m told not to do. Which is talk and sing out loud in the sight. I’ve been honest about the sight, I have. But no one has ever accepted it from me. Not my children, not the doctors, not some rude people in the hospital that told me to be quiet. So my son says stop sometimes. But I cannot. My daughter says I can do it but I have to reign it in when she gets worried or when it goes too far. I’ve never really done anything for it to go too far. I’m just sitting in my house and the police take me away in handcuffs. And I talk in the sight as my work and my connection to God. What am I supposed to do? So many times I said fine, I won’t do it anymore and I was never not once allowed by God or the Dalai lama or my partner or anyone else that needed to talk to me. Yet I hate that I can’t listen to my son and just be normal. That’s what he asks really. For me to be like him. That’s what my daughter asks, too. So it feels like a violation on my part to continue to do something that I’ve been asked not to do. But really, I am completely isolated except for the sight. I only have brief interactions with people that are fake all the time. In the sight I have love and belonging and a sense of home. And I have none of that outside of the sight. Something about this paradox still hurts me very badly. Because I am never allowed to be whole. I have two worlds. The world of people, my son who barely looks at me and my loves and my coworkers in the sight. And one causes the other to be wrong. The right one is wrong for me, because I need much more than to be isolated and confined all the time. And I can barely stand to be fake with my neighbors. That’s rare anyway. The wrong world in the eyes of the people around me is my right world because there I am beloved and I work really really hard at really difficult things. But no one in the ordinary world would ever know it. They just see me as broken on disability. The only reason I am talking about this is because I wonder if you understand two worlds? Like, we have beloveds, but are they close beside us? Do we get to talk to them? Do we ever even try? I don’t try with my son. But he gives me very little leeway. He’s just not interested. And it hurts me a lot. I don’t know what it does to him. Maybe nothing. I’m really stuck around here. Everything is internal, not external. And sometimes I really hate it. The other thing is once someone comes into the sight with me I can’t have any more interactions with them in person. So I haven’t talked to my daughter in months. Or the few friends I did have for a while. That’s like this thing that is not understandable, why I as this person that I am in the center of this healing reiki called the sight can never have one ounce of proof about anything. I am totally not allowed to be normal in any way. I could be free of this in the next three to eight days. Or I could not. And I despair about which it is. It’s been going on for so long now. Three and a half years steady with no break. Twenty four hours a day of sight. And before that since 2001. I don’t know if you understand what I’m talking about. But probably if I’m not free, you are not either. Because it’s up to me a lot of the time to free you guys. Maybe all of the time. Could that be true? I’ve always been told exactly what my freedom looks like. For twenty years I’ve been told. And sometimes it’s supposed to be imminent. And it never has been. I’m really afraid things will never change for me. It feels so locked down all the time. So will you ask God for me? Will you attempt to be free and attempt to free me and all of us? I don’t think it’s up to me. But it is. But it’s really the collective me. And that’s you, too. So, thanks, my friends. I hear you are many in number. I never get proof of that either. I never get emails and my blog says I have one follower. So, yes, if you’re out there praying and loving and hoping and saying yes to me and to you and to love and to life then I’m so thankful. I really really want to be free. And I want every single one of your dreams to come true. You deserve it. A lot.