Leafsong

The trees are coming out in full leaf except the walnut tree. It wasn’t a vibrant green spring this year for me. The leaves tended red then orange then sap green and yellowish. The flowering trees stayed flowering until the flowers just suddenly turned into leaves. I got really home in my body and my heart last night about when I could hold myself and my children for freedom. I had another day of suffering on April 25. We get attacked in the reiki, we really do. But this time it wasn’t me being attacked by the light of the world field, which has happened for years and seems like God because it says it is, it was the others with me. And it lasted about nine hours. And something changed in everyone’s experience because we gathered together in a new way. And that was pretty, although a couple of days later I had to go into deep doubt again. But I got through that. And I decided it was really okay with me to hold another person’s truth, even if I have only limited senses and not eyes to see, but full acute hearing in the reiki. Reiki is sound, my life is quantum and I was doing fine. And then last night someone told me, Beth I think it is you. He was sweet. He said what if you are the author, the healer, the body that manifests here. And then I stumbled around with a few things for a while like my children and then I said yes to that. Because I could tell. It is me. I really believe in this concept of the poem. We change things when we are not so literal. When we are creative. I learned this with my team and I wrote about it in A Rooted Nell and I use it every day. I let the poem be the source. And I know God matches that. I can feel it. So does my team. So when we create a poem instead of being lost we make up all kinds of beauty. A lot has arisen from my understanding that music and a poem are the keys to a beautiful whole mind, heart, body and life. So, last night, with a statement of beauty from a friend I don’t know, I found myself. And I was oh so delighted and pretty and confident. For about a minute. And then guess what? Everyone in my reiki was triggered. What do you mean? they said. Are you sure you mean that? they cried. You better check, they moaned. And I felt toxified and I told them so. I evicted them as much as I could. But I was wounded. They sent fear, doubt and worry right into my body, my mind and my heart. And I still haven’t recovered. They are trying. They are explaining everything they can think of to me about why it happened. But it was just a trigger really. And I’m used to this trigger because it’s a lifelong pattern so maybe I’m responsible for it and not them. Because plenty of times when I get really confident and pretty and feel really happy people around me attack. They always tell me I’m not allowed. The day I finished A Rooted Body I went deep into debt and had to borrow money to keep the basics like a phone and electricity and had to apply for an $11 an hour job at my old CSB as a med tech and someone who changes sheets. Everybody I had to ask for help thought that was much more sensible than being a full time coach and writer. Which I had been for over a year. The moment my life was getting really financially stable and I was about to pay off my debts and I loved my two jobs and my body was singing with health without medicine and I was living well again I was taken into the hospital system to see what was there that was brutal for my people. I could go on and on with examples of this that go way back. Including to when I first became the goddess like I wrote about in A Rooted Mind. Betrayal at every turn from the people closest to me. How that could have happened to me again is straight from the goddess herself. But it did. As you know. Different set of people, same exact betrayal. I feel numb and lost and out of sorts. Everything is a blank and when people try to help me I feel kind of annoyed. I don’t know how to regroup here. They are trying. But I find myself not wanting to participate in anything with them. So, I abandoned their discourse of explaining why and started to write. My daughter is coming for a visit from England this week and I am scheduled for my shot on Wednesday. Another month has gone by and I am not yet released from my disabled circumstances and I can’t talk to my daughter about anything I care about because she is not able to hear me without people in the world confirming it. I am not a reiki master to her I am a mental patient. Like I am to my psychiatrist, my son, my whole family and my pharmacist. I sensed last night that it was over. Like I’ve been indicating to you for years. I might indeed be a mental patient and on disability and on chemical restraints for my psychotic mind. It really depends on what you are looking at. If you’re looking at my interactions with the world of psychiatry and social security and Medicare and the police like my daughter and my son and my sister and my providers are you see failure. If you’re looking at my programs and my writing and my books and my reiki and my facilitation and my coaching and my heart and my wisdom and my truth of billions of hours of deep experience then you see something different. I can see both perspectives because I live them every day all day long and all night long. I never stop trying. I never stop listening. I never go out of the reiki. And I never stop writing and coaching. I do it every day. I want to regroup and find my excitement in my heart and in my knowing again that when my daughter comes this week I don’t have to lie anymore and I don’t have to hide what’s really true for me. That’s a form of violence and attack for me. And for her. And for my son. We are a soul circle. We always travel together. That includes every one of my attackers and every one of my loves. Kiss me sweetly on my forehead and help me face what I have next to do. It might take me a while still. Because we are a circle. I hate to lie to my children and I hate to be less than them. I hate to go get injected with bad chemicals. I hate to talk about my illness. I love to sing and write and coach and communicate and be embraced with kindness and support in reiki but I really wish it wasn’t just reiki so I could have a full life. I really am pretty and wise. I go beyond where most people are capable of going. And I inspire loving people to do the same. But I know I am not inspiring you or my daughter or my son to be a full master until I am free. And I really felt close last night. I really felt sure. I wrote the book on manifesting your master self. It’s called A Rooted Body. And I’ve been pretty much tortured with it ever since. The world has closed on me again. The circle must be saying something. Maybe if I ask my team to help me look at what the soul circle is saying I can find myself again. I am reluctant still. I feel a deep gash in my heart. But let me try. I guess I have to use my own medicine and find the poem away from the wound. I keep getting wounded. And this one is really, really bad. Who is that circle for you? Are you still deep inside it? I promise I will start moving again. Okay? This soul circle is really, really tough. I hear it screaming through the world. It says, I am covid. I am your judge for your demise it says. Be very, very afraid of me and knock off trying to stop me. You never will. How powerless am I? I had power for a moment before the soul circle attacked again in the form of triggered reiki friends. Okay. Thank you for listening once again to my heart. I know you don’t really believe I am powerless even though they say I am. Reiki just makes sense and so do I and I always have. I am a sacred healer and a sacred listener. I am a luminary. And I am a goddess for the new consciousness. And I have worked and suffered so hard for everyone of you. And they don’t know. Even though I’ve told them. Let’s regroup together now. The wound will close. Maybe not before another wound happens with my daughter and my shot. Because it feels like it went out of my hands and back to them. So, it feels like once again they are holding the circle. My circle. I had about a minute of truth. I knew I was about to be empowered. But no one else did. What do you know? Do you know yourself? Do you know your triggers? Do you know your poem? It’s a rather blustery day. And my body is responding as it usually does to everyone that comes along, good or bad. I feel like I am starting to get a poem again because I listened in. I am not powerless. I do my work daily and nightly. Let me do my work then. Until that entire soul circle is back in my hands. My hands are capable hands no matter what they say. When I am empowered you will know it, my friend. And so will my family. It’s okay I guess to be here. Bring on the barleycorn. Sing the rootsong. And I will, too.